I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
