I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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