I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
