Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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