Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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