Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
