Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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