Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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