just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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