turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Im just a social blackout drinker.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
