i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
