I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Even my vagina gasped.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
third nipple confirmed
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
