I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
