he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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