i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Randomize
