In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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