I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
