Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
