he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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