Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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