thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize