I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
