and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
