Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
