i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
