God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize