There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
