I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
