My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
