i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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