So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
