I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
