Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
