Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize