when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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