A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
