YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
