they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
