i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
