I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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