the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
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