In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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