Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
