I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
