My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
