So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
