i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize