Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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