Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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