Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
the liver wants what the liver wants
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
