I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We are all done wearing pants today
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
