grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
