I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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