is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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