You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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