Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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