She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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