I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
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