he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
