halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
