Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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